Let’s blow this pop stand and take to the stars. Style and comfort or get the fuck out. The void is a harsh mistress but we have standards.

Vic Viper (Gradius)

Someone strapped Space Bits to a fighter jet and we get stuck with all the baggage. Noisy as hell. No leg room. Technical angles not meant for a human. They promised us a room with a view then filled it with instrument panels up to our neck. We’re among the stars and we’re treading water. We’re kissing the cosmos and we’re drowning.

Rating: Sardine can with a moon roof. At least it looks good from the outside.

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R-9 Arrowhead (R-Type)

Over-engineered piece of crap. Congratulations boys! You wrung so much blood from this stone that it’s crumbling to dust around us. Everything is space-age and round and shiny. Everything is held together with electrical tape and ~aesthetics~. Everything is as light filtered through the 8-ball of truth, balanced on outstretched fingertips five inches from our nose. Stuck in a lightspeed tailgate that never ends, courtesy of 🟠 This Fucking Thing.

Pilot’s seat feels like it’s balancing on an upright dime. The whole thing rattles around so much I feel I’m gonna break something any time I brush up against the controls. And were you going for a canopy length world record or something? If I drop my phone in here I’m never seeing it again. You give me this long a cockpit window, I better get to stretch my legs. AND GET THAT FUCKING ORB OUT OF THE WAY I CAN’T SEE

Rating: Flying home in a house of cards with a blind spot as big as the sun.

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Solvalou (Xevious)

I mean, what’s there to say. Solid like a Volvo. No one will ever love the seventies as much as that one person on the design team. It’s a decent ride though. Nothing says “I am strapped screaming to the tip of two giant rocket boosters” like a ship you could easily make out of legos. Is it technically a ship if it doesn’t go to space? Maybe it goes to space. You decide.

My one beef is that the seat is too high and it leans too far forward. Guess they gotta make you want to go that fast, for fear of tipping over. You can’t fall down if you’re always falling forward.

Rating: Flies like a brick. Tough as a brick. Give me more of that good vertigo.

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Vic Viper (Parodius)

THIS. This is where it’s at! I’m flying inside a dream. The ship is holding my hand, cradling me in its arms, pushing me into the great unknown. A+ and cushy as hell. The side panels cozy up the place like it’s a retrofuturistic bachelor pad balcony and the view’s fucking gorgeous. I want to hug and kiss this ship goodnight. I want it to kiss me back.

Rating: Best in class user experience. Sign me up, buttercup.